WHAT IS CONSENT?
WHAT IS CONSENT?
Before we can discuss what consent is and isn’t, let’s first reviews some terms.
Sexual violence is a broad, non-legal term that includes sexual assault, rape, and sexual abuse. Sexual assault is used to describe any sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim. Generally, sexual violence and sexual assault refer to acts that are criminal.
Sexual harassment includes unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature in the workplace or learning environment. Harassment generally violates civil laws—you have a right to work without being harassed, and you have recourse if you are harassed—but in many cases is not a criminal act.
Sexual violence of every kind occurs when consent is absent.
Consent is about communication, and it should happen every time. It is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity and should be clearly and freely communicated. There are many ways to give consent, both verbally and physically. Someone consents when they clearly show in actions or words that they agree to a sexual act, they haven’t been coerced or threatened in any way, they are old enough to legally agree, and they have the physical and mental ability to say yes or no. Assuring consent is essential so you and your partner can respect each other’s boundaries.
Even if someone says that they want to have sex, they still may not be able to consent. For instance, if someone is below the age of consent for a state; is unconscious; is incapacitated; or has certain physical or mental disabilities, then they are not able to consent.
Something else to know is giving consent for one activity, one time, does not mean giving consent for increased or recurring sexual contact. For example, agreeing to kiss someone doesn’t give that person permission to remove your clothes or touch you sexually. Having sex with someone in the past doesn’t give that person permission to have sex with you again in the future.
You can withdraw consent at any point if you feel uncomfortable. Consent is an ongoing process, and as soon as one participant no longer wants to engage in sexual activity, it should stop. It’s important to clearly communicate to your partner if you are no longer comfortable with an activity and wish to stop. The best way to ensure both parties are comfortable with any sexual activity is to talk about it. You may find it helpful to learn more about what consent does and does not look like, the legal role of consent, and how consent is defined in your state. Remember to clearly ask for consent every time you have sex and continuously throughout sex. It is the best way to ensure that you and your partner are safe, comfortable, and respected.
Asking permission before you change the type or degree of sexual activity with questions like “Is this okay?”, “Are you okay with this?”
Confirming that there is reciprocal interest before initiating any physical touch.
Letting your partner know that you can stop at any time.
Periodically checking in with your partner, such as asking “Is this still okay?”
Providing positive feedback when you’re comfortable with an activity.
Explicitly agreeing to certain activities, either by saying “yes” or another affirmative statement, like “I’m open to trying.”
Using physical cues to let the other person know you’re comfortable taking things to the next level.
Note: Physiological responses like an erection, lubrication, arousal, or orgasm are involuntary, meaning your body might react one way even when you are not consenting to the activity. Sometimes perpetrators will use the fact that these physiological responses occur to maintain secrecy or minimize a survivor's experience by using phrases such as, "You know you liked it." In no way does a physiological response mean that you consented to what happened. If you have been sexually abused or assaulted, it is not your fault.
How Consent Can Look
Refusing to acknowledge “no”
A partner who is disengaged, nonresponsive, or visibly upset
Assuming that wearing certain clothes, flirting, or kissing is an invitation for anything more
Someone being under the legal age of consent, as defined by the state
Someone being incapacitated because of drugs or alcohol
Someone asleep or unconscious
Pressuring someone into sexual activity by using fear or intimidation
Assuming you have permission to engage in a sexual act because you’ve done it in the past
Continuing sexual actions when your partner has asked to stop
Consent Is NOT
What to do if someone is pressuring you:
Perpetrators of sexual violence often use tactics like guilt or intimidation to pressure a person into doing something they don’t want to do. Finding yourself in this situation can catch you off guard and may be upsetting, frightening, or uncomfortable. It’s important you to know that it’s not your fault that the other person is acting this way—they alone are responsible for their actions. The following tips may help you exit the situation safely.
Remember this isn’t your fault. You did not do anything wrong. The person who is pressuring is solely responsible.
Trust your gut. Don't feel obligated to do anything you don't want to do - no matter why you don’t want to do it. Simply being uninterested is reason enough. Do only what feels right to you and what you are comfortable with and don’t compromise that.
Have a code word or phrase. Develop a code you can use with friends or family that means “I’m uncomfortable” or “I need help.” It could be a series of numbers you can text or use in a sentence, like “247.” It might be a phrase you say out loud such as, “I wish we took more vacations.” This way you can communicate your concern and get help without alerting the person who is pressuring you.
It’s okay to lie. If you are concerned about angering or upsetting this person, you can lie or make an excuse to create an exit. It may feel wrong to lie, but you are never obligated to remain in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable, scared, or threatened; and lying may be the best way for you to safely exit a situation. Some excuses you could use are: needing to take care of a friend or family member, not feeling well, and having to be somewhere else by a certain time. Even excusing yourself to use the bathroom can create an opportunity to get away or to get help. Whatever you need to say to stay safe is okay—even if it may seem embarrassing at the time.
Think of an escape route. If you had to leave quickly, how would you do it? Locate the windows, doors, and any others means of exiting the situation. Are there people around who might be able to help you? How can you get their attention? Where can you go when you leave? Who can you contact once you escape, and how?
If you have to find a way out of a situation where someone is pressuring you, or if something happens that you didn’t consent to, please know it is not your fault and you’re not alone. We have several resources you can use to help you on our resources tab. You can also contact us at The DeFeo Law Firm to discuss your legal options with one of our attorneys.
